love is a homeless guy
by paper piper
Summary: Kon takes Rukia out for a day. Renji and Ichigo are not amused. -RenjiRukiaIchigoKon, everybody now!


A/N: for Darksknight, a sweetheart who managed to make me very happy when I woke up to all the reviews this morning. Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!

A/N: title & opening verse is from Bo Burnham's "Love is."

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**Title**: love is a homeless guy

**Summary**: Kon decides to take Rukia out for the day. Ichigo and Renji are not amused. –RenjiRukiaIchigoKon, everybody now!

_Love is a homeless guy _

_Searching for treasure in the middle of the rain_

_And finding a bag of gold coins_

_And slowly finding out they're all filled with chocolate_

_And even though he's heartbroken he can't complain_

'_cause he was hungry in the first place_

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When a tall, handsome, broad-shouldered young man approached Rukia at school that Thursday afternoon and asked her for the "pleasure of her company after school the next day," and she actually _flushed_ and _agreed_, no one expected that man to be Kon.

Nor did anyone notice that the lion stuffed animal was missing from Ichigo's room that night, because they were all too distracted by the day's (and next day's) excitement.

"How could you agree to go off with some _stranger_?" Ichigo demanded, sitting furious and cross-legged in his chair.

Chad mmm'ed, and Ishida blurted, "Especially when we have literally, _daily_, dangers."

Orhime, sitting with an attractive smile on her face and her eyes filled with romantic stars, said: "I think it's wonderful, Kuchiki-san! We all need some relaxation time!"

Ichigo turned to her, shocked. "But with a stranger? What if he's a Hollow or something? What if he's just trying to lure her out somewhere where she's helpless—"

Rukia drop-kicked him in the gut, and Ichigo landed face-down on the ground.

"Are you calling me helpless, or unattractive?" she shouted, irritated. "I am _going_, this is not a group discussion!"

"Where are you going, Rukia?" Renji asked, suddenly peeking in through the window. He earned himself a drop-kick from Ichigo for his creepiness.

"She's going out with some guy we don't know tomorrow," the strawberry said, fuming, when Renji finally got himself into the bedroom.

Renji's face was priceless.

"_WHAT DO YOU MEAN GOING OUT?"_ he wailed, sticking his red face in Ichigo's. They butted heads for several minutes, each telling the other to get the hell away from him, but neither drawing away from the conflict.

"Exactly that," Rukia calmly told her oldest friend. "A classmate of ours wants to take me for icecream tomorrow after school, and I am going."

She gave him a look that told him not to argue, and Renji looked heartbroken, but did not pursue it further.

Instead, he and Ichigo made eye contact, nodded, and made a silent vow:

_We'll look after her, just in case._

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The young man who caused all this trouble for the young heroes sighed and stretched his arms over his head. _This gigai I borrowed from Urahura isn't too bad_, he thought, lying out on the school roof, waiting for class to end.

"Finally, I'll get some time with Sis," he murmured happily.

He lay there for a couple hours, napping in the sun, until he heard the school bell ring, signaling the end of the day. When he stood, he examined himself in a mirror he'd brought especially for this moment (_And this gigai is rightly handsome_—he thought mischievously—_exactly what I'll need to sweep Sis off her feet_). The Kon who walked out of the high school that afternoon, waiting patiently for Rukia had short, dark hair and a set of nice cool blue eyes—just exotic enough to catch the eyes of the other female students, who blushed and whispered about him behind their hands. And when Kuchiki-san emerged from the building, and he greeted her by smiling his most brilliant, alluring smile.

"Ready to go, Kuchiki-san?" he asked politely.

Behind her, he could see Ichigo, Renji, Orhime, Ishida, and Chad watching him with suspicious eyes.

But Rukia (with a big smile of her own, he noticed with absolute joy) said, "Yes, I am! Let's go."

They turned, he walking close enough to her to bump shoulders occasionally, and headed down the street, looking for all the world like a lovely couple about to enjoy their date.

The thought made Ichigo's teeth grind uncomfortably, and Renji was close to tears. They both turned to the rest of them and said in unison, "We'll see you later, we have somewhere to be"—and immediately disappeared.

Chad blinked, Ishida sighed, and Orihime laughed. "They're so much alike," she said. "Shall we go, then, boys?"

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The beautiful couple walking down the street made a few heads turn. More than one elderly lady smiled and murmured to her friend how lovely and exotic a couple they were, between the petite girl's dark hair and violet eyes and slim, ladylike body, and her companion's blue eyes and disarming smile. A couple young girls stared out of shop windows as they passed, sighing and wishing they could be a part of a couple as attractive as that one. Their fellow classmates looked a little surprised (and miffed) because they wanted a chance with Kuchiki-san.

Keigo passed them on the street with Mizuiki, and turned, watching them walk away with a mixture of shock and crushing disappointment.

(_Rukia-chan…!_ He bit his lip and cried like a little girl.)

Behind them, not far away, were two shadows moving together as one, united in one purpose: namely, to make sure that attractive couple did not actually become a couple.

_Renji—do you sense anything weird yet? _

_No, not yet_, the frustrated soul reaper returned.

(—Because Kon had taken great pains to suppress his spiritual energy, so that no one had any cause to disrupt his date with Sis.)

He smiled evilly, knowing the fools were following them, and turned and said cheerfully to Rukia: "How was your day today?"

She glanced at him and did not hide her smile when she said, "Ichigo was not pleased that I decided to go out with you today, so I had to fight back some idiocy. But other than that, fine."

Kon feigned ignorance. "Who's Ichigo?"

"The strawberry I have class with," she explained. "You've probably seen him around. He sticks out."

Kon continued to feign ignorance. "Are you dating this guy?" he asked, both eyebrows up in innocent surprise.

Rukia's face turned red—behind them, Ichigo and Renji's faces turned white.

"N-no, I'm not!" she insisted. "We're just close friends. And he's a possessive weirdo."

Kon hid his evil grin and said casually, "Sounds like he's in love with you."

But Rukia did not flush again, as he'd expected (he loved that delicious peachy flush). Instead, she just blinked. "No, I don't think that's it." She sounded very thoughtful, not sad.

"Interesting," Kon finished lamely. Then stopped. "We're here!" he gestured to the icecream shop, opened the door for her, and they went inside.

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Renji and Ichigo stood outside for a second, hesitating.

_That was weird_, Renji thought, looking at his companion.

_Don't get any ideas—!_ Ichigo fumed at him, his face like a demon. _Let's go._

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Kon and Rukia took seats at the bar, away from the window. She smiled happily and proceeded to eat her icecream sundae, while Kon worked on a peach-flavored icecream. He leaned on his elbow and watched her for a second.

She glanced out of the corner of her eye. "What is it?"

He felt very fearless all of a sudden. "You're just beautiful, Kuchiki-san."

(Renji and Ichigo's hearts stopped beating. How dare he—!)

But Rukia's face split open in a huge smile, the biggest, happiest smile they'd seen on her face in a long time. She nodded her head humbly and said in a soft, feminine murmur, "Thank you."

And the two idiots watching the date couldn't deny that they loved the way her face suddenly lit up at the boy's compliment; it was like seeing her for the first time, all of her blooming in light of a simple statement that touched her heart.

_Damn it_, they thought in unison, cursing the boy and fisting their hands.

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Renji and Ichigo sat in a far corner of the icecream shop, listening with big ears and shaking fingers as Rukia laughed, chatted, and otherwise flirted with her date, the mysterious boy who seemed not to emanate any Hollow-like powers. They cast dark looks at waitresses who wanted them to order, and instead sipped silently on glasses of water, unable to tear their eyes away from Rukia.

"What's the big idea?" Renji asked out loud, sighing heavily. "I don't get this. It's not like this in Soul Society. Men and women don't just go out like this and eat icecream."

"It's common enough here," Ichigo replied, still looking at Rukia's face. It was animated, telling the boy some story about school that day. "But you have to really like someone to do it."

Renji dragged his eyes toward Ichigo. "You think she really likes him?"

Ichigo was silent for a long time. He tried to remember if Rukia had ever smiled like that around him, tried to remember if he'd made her laugh like that, if he'd really treated her well, in the human way. Sure, he'd trained and fought monsters and even relatives to keep her alive—and he'd do it again, dammit, he'd paint the streets red with blood to keep her alive—but had he made her _laugh_?

Renji saw the inner turmoil on the human boy's features. He felt similarly powerless. The girl sitting with the boy across the icecream shop seemed like a completely different creature from the child he'd grown up with, the Soul Reaper he respected, and the Rukia he chased in and out of his dreams. Did she know that? Did she know that he would have made her his if he thought he had the slightest chance? In that instant, Renji felt less powerful than that stupid human sitting with the object of his desires, though he had Spiritual Powers enough to destroy this town ten times over.

_Damn that boy_, they both thought in unison, then glanced at each other in surprise.

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Rukia and her date left the icecream shop first, deciding to take the long way home as the sun set. Ichigo and Renji wanted to throw up at the romance of the situation.

"Hey, Renji," Ichigo said, still sitting in the booth a couple minutes after the couple left. "We should leave them alone."

Renji looked surprised and angry, but before he could argue, Ichigo said: "You and I both know there isn't anything harmful about that boy, and if Rukia finds out we spied, she'll be pissed."

Renji blanched at the thought of Rukia's anger. He was picturing the fires of Hell and her pale thin arms crossed over her chest, looking like the powerful Death God she really was.

"O-okay," he said, feeling defeat seep into his bones.

They trudged their separate ways home, looking like the sorriest creatures alive.

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Kon knew it the moment they had escaped Ichigo and Renji's stares. He sighed, feeling a little more at ease, and said to Rukia: "Thank you for coming out with me, today. I hope you had a good time."

She smiled at him for possibly the millionth time that day, and said, "No problem, Kon."

The boy gasped and backed away from her quickly—"Don't kill me, Rukia! How long have you known it was me?"

She laughed then. "Since you asked me out yesterday."

He blinked, feeling how tight and restrictive his gigai was all of a sudden. He felt so very exposed. "Then, why did you come with me?"

Rukia looked a little surprised. She stopped walking, looked at him with her head cocked to the side. "Because it was nice of you to ask me," she said. "We're friends, right, Kon?"

The Mod-Soul was touched by her simplicity and kindness, but he said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly, "You always stomp on me when I'm a stuffed animal, though."

Now she cocked an eyebrow. "That's because you're a big pervert, Kon." Then she wagged a finger. "But also remember I let you sleep in my bed every night."

Kon blushed brilliantly, looked away. "I guess you're right." Then he looked at her again. "I stole this gigai to ask you out, y'know."

"I figured."

They started walking again, back to Ichigo's house. When they were within sight of the Kurosaki clinic, Kon turned to her and said, "I'll go return this gigai now. See you at home soon." His voice dropped a little lower. "And thank you again."

"No, thank you," she said, and she leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed the Mod-Soul on his gigai cheek. He turned red from that cheek all the way down to his toes, and he practically ran away from the girl on the street to avoid throwing her on the pavement and having his way with her.

_Rukia—Rukia—Rukia—!_ This would be enough to fill his dreams with sweet (and, ahem, erotic) scenes for weeks.

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Rukia leapt in through Ichigo's window, silently, lithely. He was lying on his bed with a manga over his face, very still.

"Oi, Ichigo, I'm back," she said, "all in one piece, as you can see."

The boy sat up slowly, but did not meet her eye. "I'm glad," he tossed over his shoulder, before turning to his desk chair to start some homework.

"You're not going to ask me about it, after all that fuss you made?" She placed both hands on her hips. "Well, I'll tell you—"

"No, don't," he growled, feeling low and irritable. "I've got work to do."

"You're mad at me," she said quietly. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that her hands had fallen to the sides, her mouth and eyes sad all of a sudden, when a few minutes ago she'd been smiling. Something inside him twitched.

"No," he said slowly, "I was just thinking."

"About what?" She sat on his bed, one delicate knee turned up.

"That love is stupid," he murmured.

She laughed now, laughed suddenly and fully, and he turned, wide-eyed, to marvel at her.

"Ichigo, you're such a fool sometimes."

"How?" he asked, feeling his nerves prickle again.

"Love is everything," she said, in a voice he'd never heard before. It was contemplative, peaceful, sure of itself. Her eyes were directly on his face, and he could tell she was not thinking of anything (or anyone) else. She blinked and smiled, then walked over and rustled his hair.

"My date today was Kon, so don't be too jealous," she cast wickedly over her shoulder, before shutting herself in his closet, there to change out of her school uniform.

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"O-ow! Ichigo, Renji, stop!"

Kon was screaming out of his tiny little stuffed animal mouth under Ichigo's foot and Renji's fist.

"_DID YOU THINK WE WOULDN'T FIND OUT IT WAS YOU_?" they hollered at him, pushing the presumptuous little shit into the floor of Ichigo's bedroom. "_DON'T EVER ASK RUKIA OUT AGAIN!"_

Now Kon smirked from the floor at them. "Too bad, we're going out again next week, to a movie." Then the stuffed lion gave them meaningful looks. "It's _dark_ in there, y'know."

This brought him another round of violence.

"_UNFORGIVABLE!"_

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Fin.

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A/N: I'm in a good mood, and when I'm in a good mood, I try to be funny and romantic. I'm a walking romcom. Please **review**!


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